22 going on 90

 Am I turning into a 90 year old woman? 

I’ve always been someone to want to be in bed early, enjoys a sudoku puzzle a little TOO much and cries at anything on the telly but instead of my loss of taste and smell that covid 19 has graced us with as a side effect I think I’ve turned full on old lady instead and do you know what? I don’t bloody mind. 

I’m a 22 year old visual merchandiser who works 7am-3.30pm shifts most days, I have read 8 books since October (majority of them Harry Potter and I’m not ashamed(this is also incredibly impressive for me)) and I asked for a cheese toaster maker for Christmas. I consistently call myself uncool as a joke but am I really becoming DUN DUN DUN (you guessed it) uncool? The answer is no because everyone has different ideas of fun of course but considering at 21 I was out way more nights than I should of and staying up for 36 hours at a time and now I’m in bed by 7 and asleep by 9 I can’t help but think what would my life be like if we weren’t in the midst of a pandemic that isn’t seeming to f*** off? 

I quite enjoy sleeping and chilling out so to me going to bed early and spending my past time doing puzzles of people doing fun things like socialising and not doing puzzles is normal for me now but I fear I won’t be able to go back to drinking in pubs and talking to strangers about whether or not Brad from the vamps will ever pick me from a crowd and marry me. 

It’s not an issue AT ALL compared to what is actually going on in the world at the moment but I can’t stop thinking of ‘when this is all over what happens then’ and I’m sure a lot of us are. I think I will still be asleep by 9pm most nights but hopefully on the odd occasion be at a bar at silly o’clock giving men evils because they put their hand on my waist as they walked past and I reckon I’ll still be trying to find all the edges to an extremely difficult puzzle but I’m praying that instead of doing that in my bed on my own I’ll be able to have a second pair of eyes in the form of my stepmum as we hunch over on the sofa looking for the last corner while my dad sits with his iPad and earphones on so he can’t hear the miss marple episode we’ve all watched a million times because she’s loves it so much. 

For now I’ll have a book in one hand and a cup of tea in the other with my hot water bottle laid on my stomach ready for bed as I’m cuddle in a blanket at a time most consider tea time and maybe I’ll continue to do this even when a global pandemic isn’t ruining our lives but also maybe I won’t and either or I’m happy with. 

Sleep tight don’t let the corona bite 

Soph x 

Alone at Christmas?

Step by step guide to spending Christmas alone:

 If, like me, you have to be alone this Christmas because corona really f’ed up your plans then I have a list of a few things I’ll be doing to give you some inspiration: 

1. Watch the grinch for the 100th time this month as it’s incredibly relatable especially this year. 

2. Try and sing snowman by Sia without breathing because nothing makes you feel like you’re moving up in the world quite like a tik tok challenge.

3. Watch a whole Amazon prime or Netflix series that shouldn’t be completed within a day but you do it anyway just so you have an excuse to move from your bed to the sofa with duvet in tow. 

4. Quote the grinch to yourself and think you’re hilarious. 

5. Eat (extra important especially as there’s no one there to watch you consume that whole tub of hero’s in one sitting). 

6. Self loathe and then remember I’m being silly and Christmas is just another day and days will get better.

7. Clean the loo...  no better time for it. 

8. Nap because napping is essential on Christmas Day and everyday for that matter. 

9. Wake up after your 7 hour nap and regret the ‘nap’ straight away because you have no self control and ignore every alarm. 

I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy but are these few days really much different to the rest of this year? Crappy, unfulfilling and lonely but at least this just means that when we are eventually able to see family and friends it will be even more worth the wait. 

You’re never truly alone. 

Merry Christmas from one grinch to another x 

The many faces of a pandemic

What my lockdown looks like (So far) 

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been through the emotions this year. Oh My Christ 2020..... What have you done. All jokes aside I’m grateful for the health of my friends and family and to still have a job and a roof over my head but that doesn’t mean it’s been all peaches and cream so I decided to document the many faces of my lockdown so far because let me tell you now... was I tested lol. I’ve been through a lot this year mentally and psychically (as has everyone in their own way) and I think looking back on what you’ve managed to pull yourself through no matter the challenge or the achievement is such a rewarding experience. 

I still can’t believe I’m living through a pandemic and straight after moving four hours up north away from all my family. What the bloody hell. Anyway heres  my mug multiple times over the course of quite a few months while the world was ending and shit got messy. Enjoy x 

Self Isolating With A Psycho

A STORYTIME.

Wow long time no talk. I hope everyone is keeping safe and staying at home during this extremely odd series of events. I'm staying at home but am I keeping safe? Well if I come out of this alive then it could be a miracle. Obviosuly I'm joking but when I tell you something isn't right with one of my housemates I hope you can believe me because it's sounds as crazy as she is. 

When me and Jenna wanted to move to Manchester we got this amazing flat and we were SO excited to move in but a week before we were due to move the flat fell through and alas we were back to square one. We looked and looked but nothing we found would work until Jenna found a houseshare website and we found a place with two rooms spare and we could immediatley move in. Two weeks later it was like we had been in Manchester for months and it all seemed like a nice environment to be in but then about a month in the cracks started to appear and everything was defo not as it seemed. 

A disclaimer here is that I'm sure we are one case in hundreds that have turned out like this. We actually get on really well with our other housemate and when we move out I think we might actually miss him smoking weed in the back garden at 3am while me and Jenna have come in drunk from a night out. 

Anyway back to the story. So we origianlly lived with two other girls and two other boys. The boys had no issue with us at all and were always pleasant with us and the one that is still here is still pleasant. However the two girls started to dislike me and Jenna and I honestly think it was purely because we are friends and the main reason I think that is because whenever she shouts at us (bet you can't wait for that bit) she always refers to us as 'your friend' to the other. She knows our names and the fact we both pay rent still doesn't entitle us to real names or the 'housemate' title just 'the friend'. I digress. 

I was out one night with some work friends when I got a distressed text from 'the friend' which said the psycho (who we won't name) had tried to kick her door down and had screamed 'GO BACK TO WHERE YOU FUCKING COME FROM'. I called her striaght away and asked what the hell had happened. Someone had accidently paused the touchscreen washing machine that had her washing in and she blamed us for it, which was funny because for months she had paused our washing, taken the soaking wet clothes out and dumped them on the dirty kitchen table. She screamed at Jenna for a very long period of time and was extremely aggressive while also telling her we don't belong here and no one wants us to stay. When she shouted at us a couple of months after she told me she listens to my personal conversations and knows we are looking at flats so she hopes they go well so we can 'fuck off', how lovely of her<3

This has happened a few times now for different reasons, but after every argument which turns out to be the thing that she does towards us, it doesnt happen again. For example our washing hasn't been taken out since that night (maybe once or twice actually but still its not every load which is an improvement), We had been getting emails and notes about locking the front and back doors which me and Jenna always do but we are the first out in the morning so they don't stay locked and after she shouted at me about the fact i'm disresectful, because I said 'lock the fucking doors it's not hard' to MYSELF, the doors started to stay locked throughout the day! ! 

Now this morning when I was making some breakfast alone because Jenna was at work she came down and started aggressively accusing me of stealing her containers. Me and Jenna got these Ikea containers before we moved in and have used them throughout the time we have lived here but apparently because of the three containers on my shelf in the fridge this was a perfect time to shout at me for using my own property. I won't lie after this interaction I blubbered like a little baby to my aunty over the phone because not only am I self isolating 100's of miles away from my family I also have to live with a psycho! I thought at one point she was going to hit me but I still came back downstairs with my fourth container that completes MY set and said to her look I have all four so I'm not lying and I certainly DO NOT touch your things. She didn't say a word. 

I know I'm not on the front line saving lives and I'm so incredibly grateful that I'm at home 'safe' but I thought me sharing a small snippet of this story could give you something to enjoy reading for a bit because lets be honest we have plenty of time to do so. I know in a way this is quiet lighthearted and I guess the way I react to things is through sarcasm and humour but I am genuienly the most anxious I've ever been and also incredibly lonely which I'm sure so many people can relate to. So do something to help take your mind off it for 10 minutes and then go back to feeling whatever emotion because you're allowed and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Wish me luck and wash your hands you detty pig! 

Soph x 

Moving Away.... Again

I PUT ON MY BIG GIRL PANTS. 

In 3 years I have lived in 3 different places across the UK and each place getting further and further up north.
 Surrey to Cambridge to Manchester.
Each place completely different from the last and each place teaching me completely different things. 
Surrey taught me the main lessons in life, it's where I got my education and my first job, the place I learnt how to ride a bike and the place where I made my first friends.
Cambridge taught me how to be an adult with responsibility such as having a full time job and paying for a car that wants to breakdown so bad but I (more like my uncle) just won't let it.

And now Manchester. I haven't learnt how to ride a bike or had my first lesson on taxes but it's taught me what it's like to grow up. Not grow up in the boring sense but grow up in the sense that I have no family or friends (apart from Jenna who I moved with) so I need to learn to do things on my own. The scary case of getting myself out there and exploring an amazing city that has so much to offer.
I guess I am cheating a little bit because I have my best friend with me but I couldn't see myself here without her by my side or in this case in the room a floor below me.

We've only been here coming up to three weeks but already these three weeks have been the three weeks I've been dying for. Three weeks of exploring and meeting so many new people. Three weeks of sponging money on alcohol (sorry Dad) and dancing to Arctic Monkeys and Sam Fender. Three weeks of making my own dinners and maybe skipping a few for a nap instead (again sorry Dad) but these last few weeks have been nothing but fun, adventurous and to be completely honest.... fucking scary.

Being proud of myself is something I struggle to do but I'm not proud of myself, I'm proud of me and Jenna because we had a plan and we followed through. We came out of our comfort zones and moved to a place that we have wanted to be in for a long time. We have already made some amazing memories and I can't wait to see what the next three weeks, months or even (hopefully) years has to offer.

So from Surrey to Cambridge to Manchester.... moving away really isn't the difficult part its the waiting before. Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

(and to all my family members who have been worried about this since I mentioned it a few months ago.... I'm not dead yet so that's a good sign... right?)

Soph x

song of the blog: Moving on up - M people

Mental Health Awareness

I'm coming out of my blogging absence to write about the very reason why I stopped.

It's mental health awareness week and although it should be spoken about every week of the year I think it's finally time for me to put into words the way it flips peoples lives upside down every single day.

I'm not here to talk about my reasons or why my mental health went on the decline last year but what helped me semi overcome it. Everyone who needs to hear things like this should never feel ashamed for it and for me that was my biggest lesson. Not talking about it or even allowing yourself to recognise what you may be feeling is something I struggled with for years. I still to this day find it hard to open up and tell my family and friends how I feel but

It's okay to not be okay. Rule number one.

For a lot of people showing signs of 'weakness' is the very reason they hide the way they feel. You want to seem happy and positive all the time and if you crack then you are seen as a failure but that couldn't be further from the truth. Always remember that nobody is perfect so acting like your emotions are perfect is damaging. No one will judge you for a down day, week or month and if they do then they are not people you should surround yourself with. I found that out the hard way but am I glad I did.

Toxic situations and people is what made me so anxious to the point I would rather sleep all day then go and see my family and friends or go to work. It took over my whole life and I tried to hide it all at the same time. Don't do that. Fish out the problems and surround yourself with people who aren't out to get you which I know is sometimes a lot more easier said than done.
Don't be afraid to lose people who never intended to keep you in the first place.

There are so many things I can say and I want to say but the most important thing I learned is who you allow in your life and the situations you put yourself through. Always think of your mental health first especially if you are feeling extremely down or anxious. Don't leave it till the last minute and seek help if you need it.

I came to find writing poetry really helps ease my conscious and it was something I had never done before. I have very few people I consider friends that I trust and I've come to realise who has the best intentions. It all took me a long time with visits to the GP, sick notes off work and a mass clear out of nasty people from my life but now it's my turn to help others if and when they need/want to talk.

Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it is not there. Everyone is fighting their own battles so be kind always.

Lots of people do not understand how to react with mental health issues which is why speaking about it and spreading the word is so important. No one deserves to be alone and nobody should feel like they are. Help in anyway that you can if that be just listening, offering any form of advice that isn't patronising (I had that a lot) or even just being honest and saying you don't know how you can help but you know some well known charities and numbers that can.

Lets stop the stigma and talk about it. It's real and millions of people live everyday with it.
Mental health is equally as important as your physical health.

Samaritans- 116 123
SANEline- 0300 304 7000
Mind- 0300 123 393
CALM-0800 58 58 58

Soph x

365 Days Of My Fav Album

Happy Bday Staying at Tamaras 

Might sound so silly but I’m here to say happy bday to staying at tamaras by George Ezra. One whole year ago this album was realised and every since I’ve been obsessed. It made the best memories. It made the worst. It helps me when I’m down and it continues to keep me happy on the good days. 

Music to me is the most important thing. As long as I have music I really do not need much else. If I’m anxious, sad, happy, drunk, nervous, bored or even excited all I want to do is listen to something and I know that applies to all sorts of people. For as long as I can remember music has helped me in so many ways from school and exams to work and stress of life in general. 

However this album is something so special to me. I’ve always loved George and always will but this album has honestly made 2019 year for me and hopefully many more. It was a bad year and I’m still recovering from that but whenever i hear any of the songs I only feel happy which is surprising with some of the memories that come with some of the songs. 

I sound soppy and maybe a bit crazy but it’s got me through a lot and if you haven’t give it a listen. It’s full of fun, love, real life issues like anxiety and overall just a smashing album by a smashing guy. 

All my love is possibly my favourite song of all time so listen and appreciate that song, you won’t regret it.

Thank you George Ezra, you will never know me and you will never understand what this means to me but thank you. We all have that one thing that just makes them happy no matter what good and bad memories surround it and this album is that for me. 

I’m excited for the next. 

Soph x